Today my ex boyfriend sent me a Whatsapp message for Valentine’s day. I was surprised to hear from him, especially on this day. He was the one that usually denied the existence of special days saying ‘it’s just another day’.
I had not heard from him for a while because, as he wrote, he didn’t know well how to handle things. Do I? Hell no.
His message said that he was so fortunate to have people like me close in his life. That his heart knew that I was around, and that he always felt me near. It came with a lot of hearts and emoticons. I was reading it with surprise and a smile, than joked if he was taking pills.
He confirmed he wasn’t. He sent the message because of all the good things that we had had together. Today reminded him of those. I asked if he wrote those words himself or if he ripped them from the internet somewhere.
He didn’t. Those were his words and he just wanted to share his thoughts with me on this special day. Then he changed the subject.
Ouch. I’m not being much of a hopeless romantic I’m afraid. I felt bad as it seemed I was questioning his honesty. In the two years that we have been together I usually was the one expressing my feelings and he was the one struggling with his’. Now he was sharing his deeper thoughts and I didn’t take him serious.
I replied that I was sorry. I was, really. And that his words meant a lot. That I too am happy that he is part of my life. For all that we were when we were together. And for today, as I know he is here. I told him I love him. Always. Adding, there is no ‘fin del mundo’ without you. Straight from the heart.
I knew coming back to Ushuaia wouldn’t be easy. He is present in many of my memories here. First time I saw him again after being separated for 6 months his beautiful smile (you know, that one that sparks an overwhelming feeling of utter love… that one) took me straight back to misery. Shortly. We talked, I cried, we laughed, remembered and held each other close. That helped.
I know that it’s difficult for him to grasp how I feel. He chooses to distance himself as he thinks it upsets me when we meet. I need to feel close to him as it helps me to get over us. Being alienated just hurts more. Now, having been apart for 10 months, most things have been said and most feelings have been sorted out. It comforts me to know that what we had was good. And to understand what was not. I feel better knowing that he still cares.
I’m ok now, without him. But it’s been a long, unpaved road. Sometimes still I feel a sting just seeing his car drive by. As half of Ushuaia seems to own the same grey car, that itches. Sometimes I literally feel a heartache watching him. But is that wrong? No. I don’t think so. It reminds me that love is strong. And that love can last long after the relationship is over. That’s a beautiful thought.
So today I told him: I hope you send me a message one day and we’ll have drinks or dinner. I am ready when you are.