Metanoia or the blues?

Some days ago I found this image on Pinterest.

Now I don’t believe in coincidence; this image was waiting for me to be picked up. For the last few weeks my mind has been poking me with rather radical thoughts. A little voice has been whispering, raising questions, questioning beliefs, doubting common understandings, promising adventure in the long run. This started after my first week home, after the initial happiness of being at home, after diving into social life, after reuniting with my usual Dutch habits. It was a happy week. It was tiresome too to some extent. Once again I had to conclude that being back home was as it always was, comfortable, familiar and… common.

The fun, sharing and happiness temporarily worked to replace some longing inside me. It all came back to me and hit me in the face. I missed Tierra del Fuego, all of it, deeply. I was tired of telling the same stories, tired of listening to the same stories, tired of reading the paper, giving me backgrounds to the news in a world that every time I find more difficult to understand. I was tired of long nights and very early mornings too as a result of jet lag. I felt a bit down, not being able to set my mind to one thing, acting without enjoying much. And thinking this is my usual after dip, after having been travelling for a long time.

My mind, or this little voice starting haunting me. Why join a race that you never really enjoyed? Why put work and money first? Why work your ass of to make a minimum wage, to hand it in again for paying taxes, insurances and a home, none of which contribute to doing what I love to do most. Why hold on to material things when for long you proved to be able to live with little? The answer to the above questions would be one: because everyone else does.

But I am not everyone else. I always liked to think of me as someone unique, not more or less than anyone else, but unique, being me, making my own choices, doing what I love, loving what I do.

Over the last year I lost a few people in my life that were very dear to me and who I miss. I lost my job as a tour guide as the agency went broke, losing not just my job, but also my world and way of life. I know, that sounds dramatic, but for a moment it felt like that. It’s a fact of life that everything you love and hold on to, may dissolve right in front of you. That’s why it is so important to understand that real happiness comes from within. Everyone owns his or her own source of happiness. The challenge is to find it, acknowledge it, and live accordingly.

My little voice started questioning me. And I know it is doing that for a good reason. Now I am sure that the initial feeling of having the blues, is in fact metanoia…. a journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self or way of life. So once again I am on a journey. And I feel that this journey is not a matter of or – or, but rather one of and – and. It’s a metamorphosis.